The following review is the unedited version of the one published in iMAGES on the 4th of July.
How the West Was NOT Fun
By Mohammad Kamran Jawaid
It would save the industry millions, if only people could actually see the crap they are about to unleash before they actually it make it. Jonah Hex is a lesser known comic character from DC comics. Even though he’s from the comic book medium, Jonah doesn’t have any big-league features unless one counts a back-story involving shamans, an uncanny ability to bring people back from the dead for a minute or two (where they start graying away in anguish before our eyes) and his romantic run-ins with a local prostitute.
With her bland, uninterested expression – one she’s recently graduated to include bits of intense, character probing doubts – Megan Fox is Hex’s biggest draw. I personally know three people, by far the widest margin interested in seeing this movie, willing to buy a ticket just for Ms. Fox. They will be disappointed. Aside from some shots of swanky tailored prostitute-wear, and a sweaty candle-lit love-talk scene, Ms. Fox never appears in any implied nude. They can see a topless shot of Josh Brolin, but I doubt they’re willing to see Mr. Brolin out of his worn down confederate uniform, which he heavily dusts up on horseback as he runs from one dumb action set-piece to another.
Alas, each punch, gunshot and explosion is incoherently cut and pasted with glued-on fake CGI. Helmer Jimmy Hayward (Horton Hears a Who) might have better things on his mind than a roughed up western inundated by rusty formula (the screenplay is by Crank directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor).
Mr. Brolin is Jonah Hex and his face scarred up by a bunny-toothed John Malkovich – Quentin Turnbull – the once-thought-dead villain who returns to construct a weapon-of-mass-destruction, called, um "The Weapon". This puts the president, Aidan Quinn, in a state of mild worry. Rather than relying on his best men to capture Turnbull, he wants them to track Jonah Hex (go figure). "My unit is the very best", argues one of his lieutenants (Will Arnett). The President takes out a wanted poster and replies "Which is why I need you to locate (Jonah Hex)". "Mark my words gentlemen, the very fate of our nation rests on Jonah Hex".
Why? How? We’re not really sure. Nor do we care. The President’s concern was on the right track. He knows unimportant, lugubrious, task delegation when he sees one. He and his lieutenants must have a pie contest to judge.
Released by Warner Bros. Jonah Hex is rated PG-13, which automatically tones down the bloodless bloodbaths.
The published version can be found at: